Crazy Nervous

I attempted to swallow my nerves, but they got caught in my throat and pounded in my head.

The day we determined she was in South Africa was the day of our first official announcement.

We had planned weeks earlier that we would gather my family and tell them the news. But I was worried. Worried they would say things you don’t want to hear as an adoptive mom. They are not mean people, but I was fragile at this moment.

 Thankful for a Yocco’s doggie pack.

 After we devoured a basic meal tasting of our home town and enjoyed light conversation, everyone gathered in the living room. As if they knew there was something to be said. There were frequent moments of lull in the conversation, perfect for jumping in and making announcements. But I sat there mute. Even my husband texted me. Go.

 Eventually I did. I just spilled it out, I shed a few tears of joy and kept my expectations low. I wasn’t expecting cartwheels. I wasn’t expecting fireworks. But sincere excitement and joy would be nice. I would be great if it felt a bit real to them. I wasn’t sure it would. It barely felt real to me. We had come so far but had so much more to do.

Their reactions were subtle first.

I think they had to process this. I had certainly taken them of of guard. After 15 years of marriage without kids, people assume you can’t have or don’t want kids. I tried to make it clear that this was not a second choice for us. This had been a hope since I was a child. That my busy life and selfish heart had held us back.

I could see this felt more like an idea to them then a child.

 This was new territory for them after all. No one close to us had grown their family in this way. Don’t we all hesitate when we are walking down an unknown path? As the news settled with them, their faces lite up and smiles grew. There would another little girl to love. We received affectionate hugs, and words of affirmation.

 My Dad was taken back to his many mission trips. He saw the poverty, he experienced the tragedy. He was immediately passionate about this idea. His heart resonated with mine. Mom stayed up late with me after everyone left. We suddenly had more in common then being mother and daughter. We were now both moms. Or at least, I was on my way to being one.

My brothers reacted as I thought they would.

It felt a bit distant but joy filled. They chuckled in happiness as men do. They told us they loved us, would pray for us and waited for an update. I smiled and thought “Just wait till you guys meet her. I’m going to have to pry her out of your arms.” The responses from the kids were as varied as their ages. But all what I expected. They would learn in this. And that was ok with me.

The cat was out of the bag.

One more thing done. One step closer to reality. I had no reason to be nervous. It’s silly I allowed myself to get so worked up. All you want in life is your family’s support and love. I had it. On to the next part of this journey.

We’re coming baby girl.