We have $10 in our adoption fund. One button = $10
A lady at work handed it to me. She had just hemmed someone’s pants and they paid her $10 cash for it. I stared down of the two 5 dollar bills in my hand. My skin was crawling. I could feel tension in my bones. I hated it. I hate needing help.
Weeks earlier she had seen “A sparkle in my eye.” and figured out that we were adopting. She offered to help in any way she could, fundraising specifically. I started to cringe. I need to help. We need to help. In this case it really is going to take a village to bring our child home. But this women barely knows me. I felt as though taking her money I was signing up to meet her expectations.
I knew I would fail them miserably.
I tried to give it back but she wouldn’t take it. I stuffed it in my pocket, trying to stuff away the feelings of frustration and shame with it. I realized how difficult this process was going to be. Because it feels like we need about a billion more five dollar bills. If I was going to have to feel this way every time someone handed me help, it is going to be a very very long two years.
I don’t like asking.
I was just yelled at by a friend, “You’re allowed to ask me for help. I like helping. I want to do this. I’m offering to help!” I literally gritted my teeth and said through tight lips, “I don’t like asking for help.”
I don’t think that it’s a pride thing. I genuinely don’t want to burden people with stuff that I have going on in my life. I also realize that I have consistently invited people to share in this journey with us. Begging for their affection and support. I can admit that my logic makes no sense. It is just as ridiculous as a dog chasing his tail.
I guess this is one of those things that I’m going to learn. Learn to ask for help. Not only from friends and family, people who I know love us, but acquaintances, even those more distant – strangers. People who love adoption. People who understand that this isn’t about Arthur and I.
It is about bringing an orphan home.
My husband and I agreed. The fleece we would put out would be our fundraising.
We both felt that we have been called to do adopt. We believe that God would provide everything. Strength. Patience. Understanding. Wisdom. Endurance. The correct caseworker. The correct agency. The correct country. The correct child. And yes, even the correct amount of money. All with the correct timing.
A close friend has reminded me over and over again (and will continue to) that the Lord will guide us, strengthen us and give us all we need, when we put our yes on the table. No strings, no stipulations, no excuses. Just trust.
So I’m going to trust.
I’m going to stop obsessing about the $10 we have and just trust. I’m going to stop staring at the almost empty glass, and instead just be happy that there is a glass. I’m going to trust. I’m going to know that people love us, even if they can’t come, or don’t respond. I’m not going to place my value in anything or anyone besides The One.
Because I know the One who owns 1,000 cattle on 1,000 hills, and He even owns the hills.
AMENDMENT
This blog was tidied up last night. And it was all true up the minute. This morning someone gave us a donation. I don’t know who put the envelope in our box. I have no way of finding out. But I do know that it was from the Lord. It seems that when you trust Him, He pulls through.
What a blessing. What perfect timing. Many buttons = many $$
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